Three things that you can always count on are death, taxes and oppressive humidity choking the fun out of life during Philadelphia summers. There exists no subtle segue from spring to summer here. On any random day, summer decides that it’s going to begin, and from that day forward, you as a Philadelphia resident are saddled with the feeling that you’re always walking around in a warm, wet fur coat. As with anything else our fair city throws at us, there are effective ways to handle oneself. Here are some tips for beating the heat to achieve your most successful summer yet.
Make a fashion statement. The other day I saw a woman walking down the street wearing a muumuu and holding a bag of frozen corn to her neck. She had the right idea in both form and function. She was able to stay cool while ensuring that once her corn had thawed, she’d have a fun and easy snack for later. If she stayed in the sun long enough, she would probably even be able to enjoy popcorn. Otherwise, wear as little clothing as possible, especially if you’ve been working out.
Make friends with someone with pool access. This is key. In order to avoid having to wade in the Schuylkill or Delaware or spend your lunch breaks in a city fountain, it’s time to take advantage of that friend of yours who’s lucky enough to have a membership at a private club or gym with a swimming pool. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t talked to them in a while; find them and start to compliment them. Tell them anything you need to convince them to take you to the pool as a guest. Stalk, be ruthless and stop at nothing; you probably won’t see them after the summer anyway. Note: this also applies to friends with beach houses.
Drink plenty of liquids. Though the cruel hellfire outside will snatch away your appetite, you still must remember to drink plenty of liquids. Luckily, liquids are some of the most enjoyable things you can ingest! Some great suggestions for liquids include, but are not limited to: margaritas, sangria, martinis, Andre sparkling wine and Boone’s Farm malt liquor. Remember, it’s not just drinking in the summer, it’s a means of survival.
Take your aggression out on a loved one. The discomfort from the heat is also liable to make tempers flare hotter than the pavement beneath you. Blaming a loved one for conditions over which they have no control can potentially bring you to a place closer to Zen. If this doesn’t work, then at least take the time to engage in some weather-related clichéd banter with a neighbor. “Hot enough for you?” Indeed, it is.
Do not carry a Supersoaker, especially in my neighborhood. Let’s just say you don’t want to be that guy who looks like he’s carrying a semi-automatic weapon.
Estivation is a state of dormancy similar to hibernation, with the difference being that it occurs in the summer. Do this. The best way to limit strenuous activity is to not participate in any activity whatsoever. Sometimes the best way to beat the heat in to sit on your couch, turn all the lights off, crank up the air conditioning and count the days until autumn. Revisit the advice above to drink plenty of liquids.
Make a mental note to remember this weather. You’ll forget you ever hated it when you’re trudging through 6 inches of snow later this year.
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