It’s “Get a Different Name Day,” where anyone who’s unhappy with the first, middle and last name their parents bestowed on them can go hog wild and change it up if they want, no questions asked. So, we took the liberty of making a few suggestions for some poorly named people, places and things around Philadelphia.
Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter
We really shouldn’t have to go into a lot of detail as to why this is a horrible name. Michael Anthony Nutter is, as you know, Philadelphia’s Mayor, and call me immature, but I have to giggle a little bit every time I utter that inappropriate surname. But, don’t take my word for it. Urban Dictionary has listings for “nutter” as everything from a “sandwich consisting of two or more slices of bread and peanut butter,” to a “crazy person.” But, the most commonly understood is eloquently described as “a man who has ejaculated.” So, Mayor Nutter, luckily for you, we’ve given you a new name today. One that’s so politically correct you will no longer be forced into the brunt of every really bad penis joke. Today you are “Michael Hunt.” Oh, wait. That’s pretty bad, too.
I understand mascots are supposed to be cartoony. The larger than life, fuzzy, furry, mute caricatures that run up and down the field and/or court at sporting events lend themselves to have bad names. But, it’s doesn’t get more cheesy than the Philly Phanatic. Even ignoring the ebonic choice of spelling, a Phanatic is hardly someone to be fearful of. When we go up against Boston’s “Green Monster” how will we ever compete? In all honesty, though, Phanatic is hardly the worst MLB mascot out there. I mean Pittsburgh has Captain Jolly Roger for crying out loud. Regardless though, it’s “Get a Different Name Day” so the Phanatic will now be known as The Philadelphia Ferocious Flying Falcon.
Dude, it’s broken. A big, huge crack runs down the side and we all call that history. It’s a broken bell, people. Nevermind who rung it or what it might signify. Visitors to this great city should know what they are getting themselves into before they step foot on Independence National Historical Park (which could use a name change itself). So, on “Get a Different Name Day,” we proclaim the Liberty Bell be called…”Old Cracked Bell that may or may not have been rung to signify America’s Independence.” It’s a little wordy, but honest.
The quintessential urban hot spot is one of Philadelphia’s premier restaurants. Constantly sitting high atop “Best of…” lists, Buddakan is a must-go. The food is delicious, but let’s be real. After all the appetizers and main courses satisfying everyone’s palate, the only thing that anyone really remembers is the Dip Sum Doughnuts. These delectable delicacies are the stuff dreams are made of. Balls of dough, fried to perfection, sprinkled with goodness and served with a trio of dipping sauces make the Dip Sum Doughnuts the real reason people dine at Buddakan. Not the hip atmosphere, or cozy ambiance, or exquisite chef-ery, or brilliant mix-ology. It really only comes down to one thing…fried dough. So, today, we’ll rename Buddakan “Get Me Some Dip Sum Doughnuts” since it’s really all you have to say to leave as a happy patron.
It’s the day before Valentine’s Day…a day I’ve long despised, if you haven’t gathered from my other posts on the subject. So, I can’t resist taking one last jab (albeit if my editor doesn’t force me to write a V-Day post tomorrow) at the over-commercialized, fake, sensationalized holiday. Many people…mainly couples…feel the need to stand in front of the LOVE sculpture and snap pictures. As if standing in front of it in a photo makes it some sort of declaration…if only in the scrapbooks. Nevermind the fact that if the photographer pans out a little, you’ll see what’s really behind the sculpture. No, not the fountain dyed pink, but the hipster skateboarders zooming across the granite surfaced and pulling ollies along the curved staircases. And, we all know, nothing says “LOVE” like a bunch of sweaty, long-haired, teenaged punks. So, today, we change LOVE Park’s name to “Kickflip Crash Park” for all the dreamers out there.