The Girl Scout Cookies you choose tell everyone the deepest and most important secrets of your character. It’s sort of like your horoscope, but with diabetes.
As Philadelphia waits for the Girl Scouts of Eastern Pennsylvania to begin their cookie season Thursday – and as we watch helplessly while regions with earlier seasons devour Thin Mints and Do-si-dos that rightly belong to us – let us ponder what each cookie says about its owner:
Thin Mints
A thin wafer covered with chocolate, with natural peppermint.
Ordering these just means you’re normal. Everyone buys the Thin Mints. They’re The Beatles of Girl Scout cookies. But it does say something interesting about you if you don’t buy them. Long story short, you’re agoraphobic.
Samoas
Vanilla cookies covered with caramel, rolled in toasted coconut, and striped with chocolate.
You probably would be a lot more comfortable living in the Deep South – maybe Louisiana or Mississippi. You’re also the sort of person who remembers birthdays at your office. People love you, but it takes you five minutes to leave a phone message.
Tagalongs
Cookies topped with creamy peanut butter and covered with chocolate.
You are a 10-year-old boy. Or you’re stoned.
Do-si-dos
Crisp oatmeal cookies with creamy peanut butter filling.
You helped organize the blood drive at your church, and you’re going to feel a lot better about everything as soon as you have grandchildren.
Trefoils
A simple shortbread cookie.
You are just the worst kind of person. You believe the Illuminati control the water supply. You don’t tip. You have literally never offered to buy a round of drinks.
Savannah Smiles
A wedge-shaped lemon cookie dusted with sugar. The new cookie was introduced this year to celebrate the Girl Scouts’ 100th anniversary.
Just go ahead and move to Europe.
Dulce de Leche
Based on the tres leches cake from Latin America, these little cookies are heavy with milk and caramel chips.
You call your parents at least twice a day. You talk to your car, and you call it by a person’s name – Barney or Lana. But someday, you’ll go on vacation somewhere completely insane, like Madagascar. You’ll take pictures of absolutely everything, and you’ll be really, really proud of yourself. But you’ll never do it again.
Thank U Berry Much
A cookie with cranberries and white fudge chips
You drink red wine because it’s supposed to be good for you.
Lemonades
Lemon shortbread with lemon icing.
You retired last year.
Thanks-A-Lot
Shortbread cookie with layer of fudge on the bottom.
You have five kids and you pack a lot of lunches. You’re happily married, but if Daniel Craig ever walked in the door, you wouldn’t hesitate.
Shout Outs
Light, crisp, caramelized cookies with inspiring words on them.
This is your first year teaching preschoolers. It is not going to end well.
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